Noah's Mommy

8 Things

2009-04-28T12:03:00.002-04:00

8 Things that I am Looking forward to:

1. Feeling better today. I just don't know what is wrong but feeling like I am pregnant with morning sickness all over again just doesn't make for a good birthday.
2. Going to South Haven with Melissa & the family (even if it is just a day trip but a weekend trip would be fabulous)
3. Warmer weather so I could open my windows.
4. Noah being done with nursing (he's on week 3 and 3 days were eliminated).
5. Meeting Bill! We've been talking for a while & we have so much in common.
6. Getting back into the routine of doing Wii Fit again daily!
7. Getting all my papers at my desk organized since they've been out of wack since I was in school last fall.
8. Getting closer to God.

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Worked!
2. Renewed my plates at SOS.
3. Went to lunch with my mother and grandfather.
4. Talked to Bill before he started golfing.
5. Went to get adjusted at Dr. Marks (Chriropractic office).
6. Cooked Dinner.
7. Played with Noah.
8. Felt sick at 8pm and went to bed at 8:30pm.

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Hang out with Melissa more often.
2. Hang out with Stephanie more often.
3. Be able to work a few more hours at work (would help financially)
4. Manage my finances so much better.
5. Have the time to get my yard in order for summer.
6. Be married & totally in love.
7. Live in a bigger house.
8. Be a stay at home Mom.

8 Shows I Watch:

1. Ghost Whisperer
2. Dr. Phil
3. American Idol (on occasion)
4. None
5. Other
6. are
7. Watched
8. Regularly

8 People I'm Tagging:

Not gonna tag anyone cause Melissa tagged me and is the only one who would do this.

Crying (Happy Tears)

2008-12-11T20:39:00.001-05:00

I can't stop crying.
Seriously.

No one has been as generous as they were tonight.
With money.

I feel so blessed & thank Mr. Staples with all of my heart!

To Each in Time

2008-12-05T14:11:00.003-05:00

I've been in this horrible situation in the past where I worry and stress and stress some more and most importantly I DID NOT TALK TO ANYONE until it was too late. Regardless of the details of the past events (since that is not important now). I just have to say I'm grateful that God has given me a chance to show that I am a changed woman. I no longer hold on to the hurt, anger, betrayal, stress, or worries. I simply ask God for his guidance and let him take the wheel.

One night I was sitting and relaxing when I realized that God had been making some prtty big changes in my life. For example, I asked him over and over to make it possible for my cousin and I to establish a frienship again. Months later, when I had actually accepted Christ into my life again (I did in 1996) and began to change how I thought, felt, and acted -- Changes Happened. Jeanna and I are now talking. I feared that she would not want to be friends because of Mandi and that hurt.

But I feel blessed and won't take anything for granted any more. I also wished I could just talk to Mandi. I know she is going through a lot with the one year anniversary of losing her grandmother and that is a hard thing to do. I pray for her each night to be able to get past all that is hurting her and to remember her Grandmother for all the good in her life. I tried to get a message to her through Jeanna but I don't think she wants to talk to me. That is fine, but I just NEED her to know that I'm not going to come between Jeanna and her. It is not my place. I just hope one day she can forgive me as I've forgiven everyone who has said negative or untrue things. Regardless of her feelings of never forgiving me -- I love her and if she came to me -- I would help her out in any way I could.

New Beginning

2008-12-03T21:17:00.001-05:00

Jeanna and I got together.

The only thing that stopped me from crying is -- Noah. He broke up the slight awkwardness and helped to get us talking. I missed her. So very much. I thank God for his guidance in my life and for bringing us together.

Hayley has grown so much. I missed her so much. <3

I hope this isn't the last.

Remember the Reason

2008-12-02T20:58:00.002-05:00

There are so many out there who just don't seem to realize that Christmas is about the birth of Christ and not gifts and lights and shopping. We should all just take a step back and look around at what we do during the holidays and ask why?

I seriously only want more time with friends & family. If you want to give something -- give your time (watch their kids, help them with something they can't do them selves, etc.) Material possesions will be there long after we pass away. But those memories will always be there.

God Bless You!

Holiday Season

2008-12-01T21:53:00.002-05:00

So this is Noah's First Holiday that he will actually be mobile. He is still fatherless in a sense. I mean we have established paturnity, but that is just a piece of paper if you will stating the DNA matches. I can't understand how someone who doesn't work can't find time to see Noah. He is the most precious gift in this life. I'm not sure and I've asked for God's guidance on this issue and have stopped worrying about it.

I put the tree up today while Noah was at daycare. I figured after a long debate with myself that it would be a battle to try to decorate a tree with a 1.5 year old and no one else to help police (as Melissa said) him.

So my tree and what few decorations I have are up. I did it in a record 1 hour 15 minutes (all the time I had).

Anyways, I'm trying to better myself and have been taking steps in the right direction. I feel like I'm on the narrow path that isn't the easiest but it is the right one.

Thanksgiving Thanks

2008-11-26T23:23:00.001-05:00

Thanksgiving Thanks
There are these people in my lives that I'm so grateful for. There are these people that I couldn't get through each day without. Each day some people come in my life. Some days, and these are regrettable days, people leave my life. But each has a lesson. Each has a meaning. And each will always have a place in the end result of who I am. There is a saying that some people are here for a season, reason, or lifetime. Sometimes we don't realize that everyone in our life is not supposed to be there forever. Some help us through our trials and tribulations. Some give us support and guidance. Some teach us something that we might not have otherwise learnt. In the next 24 hours we have a day coming up called "Thanksgiving". During this time every year I try to really think about the past year and what has happened, who has been in my life. The good and bad. The old and new. The close and far. The related & not. This is my dedication to you…..

~ Noah: Without doubt I'm sure no one expected to be number one on my list besides you, my son. He has given me so much hope and love. He loves me unconditionally. I am his number one and will hopefully always be that! He has brought a new perspective to life and I'm tremendously grateful for each second with him because to say I enjoy each day would just be too long of a time frame. Each second is a new experience and joy. He is 18 months or 1 ½ years old. He is growing up and while he is learning. So am I. Thank you, Noah, for being a wonderful and happy son to me.

~ Brenda: Mom. Mother. Brenda Sue (as Ric calls you). You have been my Rock. I was not very strong as an adult when I became pregnant. I've gotten a lot stronger over the past few years and give most of the credit to you. I have learnt so much from you and up to six months ago I was very ungrateful for what you have done for me and my son, your grandson! It took a lot of negative in my life to open my eyes where I could see clearly. You have given me everything that I have ever needed and wanted in my life. Although I am sure you are thinking to yourself that you didn't give me all the pretty possessions that I wanted – please be assured that the materialistic things are not what I speak of. I speak of something that goes deeper than that – LOVE! I love you mom! Without you I wouldn't be here and I'm glad to be your daughter.

~ Ric: Bro, Ricky, Richard. You are the only brother I have so that would make you my favorite! In this past year you have guided all who have come into contact with you to become better health wise. I'm so grateful for that and although I'm a bit slow at changing the things I do – I'm getting there. I'm thankful that you haven't given up on me. I'm grateful for all you have helped me with financially and hope that in the future I can be of guidance and help to you too. You are really a hard person to get to know but after 27 years – I know you pretty well. Please know that you can talk to me about anything. You have been an inspiration to me. Oh yeah – you are definitely stubborn.

~ Becki: BEST FRIEND FOR LIFE! There isn't anyone in this world who could take you away as a friend. You are such a loyal friend to me and have allowed me to be myself since the first day. I miss you though. We don't talk as much as we did a few years back and I understand the situation enough to not let that ruin what we have. We need to be closer and I hope in the year to come that our bond grows even stronger. Did you realize it has almost been ten (10) years? I couldn't believe it either. Time has passed. Now don't let too much more time pass without talking, writing, emailing, calling, or visiting. Life is short! I love you with all my heart.

~ Jessica: People come in to your life and give you things in your life that you sometimes didn't realize you needed. I found a wonderful friend in Jessica and I wasn't even looking for a friend. I was looking for a day care for my son and received that and a great friend. I can't imagine my life without her. Her presence in my life has allowed me to open my eyes to God, find out who I am and to know that I am a great mother…. And as a single mother, you need to hear that. She has done wonders for my self-esteem in less than 6 months. We've grown closer and I know that both of us needed a good friend. Not a friend that you see every month or even week. I see her on a daily basis and could talk to her for hours daily! I like to think of us a best friend in the making. That status of Best is something that comes with just a bit more time than we have known each other, but I can assure you that we are on that path.

~ Melissa: I never knew I'd find a friend in one of my ex boyfriend's friend. She has brought my life wondrous gifts through the years I've known her, but this year especially she has helped me when I was down and brought my spirits up – all without being cruel or hurtful towards the other people it involved. There are far too few people like Melissa in this world. We really need more of her kind around. She has been my rock and support more than she knows. I also really am thankful for the time we've spent together, especially going to the Lake & Zoo with the kids. Memories last a lifetime and so does she.

~ Stephanie H.: I remember searching for God early on this year. Wanting to somehow be involved in the church and had no one to really guide me. Then I took my son to the mall play area to play and ran into her with her family. As unusual as it was for me to talk to someone and talk about such personal things so soon – the same went for her. She invited me to her church and we have grown into very close friends; the only thing I could ask for more of is – time to see her. We aren't as close miles wise and our schedules are hectic. Nevertheless we can go a month without talking and our next conversation is still just as intriguing and full of life.

~ Jeanna P.: A very trying year for the two of us. It was good until the midpoint. We are no longer best friends, but we are still cousins. She has showed me things when Noah was younger that I appreciate. I seem to miss her company more lately and that increases on a daily basis. I hope that in the year to come she can open her eyes to a relationship of cousins – without listening to anyone other than God and herself. I fear that she may be listening to others words and that scares me. I love her dearly regardless of how our relationship expands or not. I look forward to seeing what happens between the two of us and will never take anything for granted – regardless of how much the devil tries!

~ Amanda G.: A short lived friendship. She helped me to get together with friends more than I had in the past, but she also showed me that I need to watch what I say because not everyone can handle what I have on my mind. She, to me, is still a good friend, but she has already spoken that she won't be friends with me again. And that is fine – God has given me the strength to accept that and I feel that it is meant to be. However, she did show me that some friends are only for a reason. For that I thank her.

~ Scott (Jessica's Hubby): It is somewhat of a surprise to have Scott on my list. But he has showed me what a real man does in a kid(s) life. I am thankful for the night he kept Noah at his house with the other kids Noah is used to playing with. He did this so I wouldn't have to take Noah to the Church daycare for Jess & I's "Girlfriend" event. It was for about 3 hours and I am so grateful for his generosity because Noah needs a man in his life and it is apparent his father won't be there for him and just because of that I need to find a way to get the 'man' aspect in Noah's life and Scott has done that.

~Tim (Noah's Father): I'm grateful that he gave me Noah. I don't have much else to be thankful for from him other than that because he hasn't been there for me or his son in over two years. But he gave me Noah and I am thankful for that.

~Everyone Else: I hate to leave anyone out. I am very thankful for anyone who I have had contact with and hope that is understood. I will write you one of these honest and heartfelt 'Thanks' if you want to and I didn't get to you. =)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING
2008

Whirl Wind

2008-11-25T21:41:00.002-05:00

This life is a whirl wind.

Today is Noah's 1.5 Bithday. =) He is exactly 18 months. Where does time go? Seriously things have changed so much since August 2006. For the better of course.

Thanksgiving is soon. Like 2 days. eeeppp. Time with family. Thing is I am with them every day so its just another day but it makes me think of what I have. I wrote a little something that I am going to post on Thanksgiving.

On Sunday I'm getting together with Melissa. I miss her.

I'm getting tired and we all know (well, only cause I say it) he doesn't sleep good through the night. So I'm off to bed.

With HIS Help

2008-11-14T21:16:00.005-05:00

In the past few months I've been under a lot of stress, anxiety, fear, and hurt. I've not understood what happened and I realize now that I broke down and when I needed someone the most -- I didn't know who to turn to. So I turned to writing. It always helped me out in the past. I wrote things that were on my mind to hope that they would get out of my mind. Didn't work. It also didn't help with my words were twisted and used against me. Now -- Stop -- I'm not blaming anyone and I don't hate anyone. I have forgiven everyone who has ever done me wrong and I continue to be the nice person and be friendly with everyone. But to be completely honest -- I miss Jeanna. However, I don't miss the 'Best Friend' part, but rather the cousin. I've never been one to be close to too many people and family was/has been in that category. But Jeanna and I got close because I lived closer to her. No, I take that back. It is because I got pregnant and told her and she was estatic.

In the past 3-4 months I've made some big -- huge -- astronomically large -- CHANGES in my life. By far the first one is accepting Jesus Christ into my life. Having him show me to people who would now be called Forever Friends. I know that God had everything to do with it. Anyways... Today, Tonight, Yesterday, Last Week. I want so badly to just have my cousin come talk to me. I don't know why she won't. No one is perfect. Why won't she forgive me enough to talk to me face-to-face? I'm not asking to be a best friend. But we are Blood. I love her and her family. No matter how wrong both of us were -- we are still related.

I fear the worst and have a hard time getting it out on words even now.

But other than that... I'm doing great. I have a flexible job that is about 25-30 Hours a week. I have the best HANDS DOWN daycare provider. I have joined and have become involved in Church EVERY sunday (I don't miss because it throws my whole week off). And last but defintely not least -- I'm in a better situation now Financially than I have been in a long time.

So who do I thank? GOD. Jessica. Melissa. My Mother. My Brother. Myself.

Without them -- I wouldn't be where I am today. I LOVE YOU ALL.

Sa Lacking

2008-11-08T21:28:00.002-05:00

I've been slacking but I have good reason. I'm BUSY!

I have officially paid off all of my credit card debt but one. However, that is the largest amount. BUT that eliminates about 20 calls a day. I'm all signed up for next semester. =)

I have a new computer. The one I had was getting ready to kick the bucket, so I got a Dell Inspiron 1525 and my other laptop is now currently hooking my phone up (I use magicjack) so that is a real plus.

I have so much to write but this new laptop keyboard is SO much different than my old one. NEW LIKE>......lol

I'm off to bed. I just got Noah to sleep about 20 minutes ago. Hopefully he sleeps in some tomorrow before church.

Voted

2008-11-04T19:40:00.001-05:00

And my vote is in!

I voted for Change.

A Much needed change.

God

2008-11-03T20:39:00.003-05:00

I've been attending church weekly and getting more and more involved in the Church. I'm hoping once my classes end and I am doing all online classes that I can become more involved in the groups at church. I love it. I feel like the timing was right and I understand things much better now than I ever did in the aspect of life and God.

Noah and I have been doing some much needed bonding lately (and no I'm not talking about nursing him). He has been cuddling more with me and giving me more signs that he loves me. I can't wait till the first time he tells me "I LOVE YOU".

Prove Me Wrong -- Not Right

2008-11-03T20:29:00.002-05:00

So lets see.... My instinct. was RIGHT.

I'm talking about Mat. Mr. I will wait for you. Mr. dont worry about being busy -- I understand. Mr. I like you and won't do anything to ruin that. Mr. I'm afraid my kids screwed things up by being rude and innappropriate on numerous occasions. Yeah, that guy.

Let me explain.
I talked to him about a month ago. It was the end of September. I said I HAD to focus on school and my son before anything else. He said that he understood. I told him that I was going to school for about another year. Not straight through or anything, but still! I told him that I wanted to take things slow and I might not call him as much.

He never called me.
I never called him.
I was busy and did not realize this until about a month later.

Then I mentioned it in here and the next week he showed up at my door.
I thought -- WOW. Hmm. ok! He tried to make me feel so guilty for being busy.
I told him to not do that and that I would call.
He stayed only a minute.

I called him 2 nights ago.
He called me this morning.

In almost the first 20 words he spoke he started talking about 'his girlfriend'!
I was like

"Uh, wait. Did you say girlfriend?"

He said, "Yeah".

I said then why in the heck are you calling me and stopping by?
He said he wanted (GET THIS) to be my friend.

I told him NO.
He asked why.
I said "Why would I want to be friends with someone who claims to be HONEST but never said anything about having a girlfriend the night he stopped by?"

I said, "WHy would I want someone who can say they want to date me, and would wait for me, and then be dating someone in less than a month?"

Then I said, I don't have time for this and I wasn't wanting to waste any more time on it.

And I hung up.

So... Again, I was proven right. Men just can't seem to prove to me that they are different and worthy of MY TIME AND EFFORT.

I don't want a rich man.
I don't want mr. perfect.
I don't want anything out of the ordinary.
I just want someone who will show me he cares.
CONTINUALLY!!!

Picture TIme

2008-11-02T20:58:00.003-05:00

Noah was running around without a shirt on because it was so warm that day

He was accidently involved in a pumpkin seed war and was NOT happy about it.

Noah & I at Crystals House

Halloween

2008-11-02T20:50:00.001-05:00

I'm not going to lie. We did not Trick or Treat on Halloween.
But wait....
We did go out to the Mall on the Saturday before (it was warm inside a building)
and then...
again on Thursday the 30th we went to the Trunk or Treat.

So Noah got TOO much candy. I'm pretty amazed in all honesty.

Weather was BEAUTIFUL for once.
Noah was 'CHUCKY'.
Because it was a costume that was free.

I'm disappointed

2008-10-23T21:22:00.003-04:00

Noah really did a number on me yesterday. He cried so much, wiggled so much, slept so little. I'm just happy that tonight he is sleeping in his own bed. I'm tired. I doze off in class and that is not good.

I haven't talked to Mat in like a month. Of course it took me that long to realize it because I've been busy and tired. Guess it wasn't meant to be...

I am the opposite of disappointed kind of. I have been emailing my cousin. We are being civil -- even nice. Which is a step in the right direction.

But its almost 9:30pm and I need to sleep....

Night 2 & 3

2008-10-19T03:50:00.001-04:00

Night One went horrible. Noah was up every 90-120 Minutes.

Night Two went just as bad.

Night Three --- He's still in my bed.

Ugh.

Night One

2008-10-16T21:35:00.002-04:00

Officially NOT in a bedroom anymore. AT least my bed that is. Well, me either. Let me explain. I am in a one bedroom house. And having problems with Noah sleeping through the night and I attribute it to us sleeping in the same room.

So this afternoon, instead of studying for my Mid-Term (49 Finance Terms) I moved my BED into the living room by the computer and blocked the computer/bed area off with the gate that was once around just my computer.

Noah's toys, bed, stuff is in the room.

Noah has been sleeping in his bed till about 15-30 minutes after I get into bed.
I've altered my time on when I go to bed thinking he was just waking up at the same time. But when I go to bed EARLY, or LATE by one hour each way... HE STILL WOKE UP.

So tonight is a sort of test. I hope Noah will sleep better. I don't know. But I can hope.

That is after I watch Grey's Anatomy!

I was tagged

2008-10-15T20:20:00.002-04:00

Melissa tagged me. The idea is to list six random and odd facts about yourself. Since I don't now when I'll get the chance to do it, I'm just going to do it now, and then tag some other people to keep it moving.

1. I'm a leftie....and love that. But living in the right handed world I find myself doing more with my right hand than I thought. But the one thing I can't do left handed is bowl. I bowl right handed, and I've got a pretty good average when I bowl more than once a year.

2. Melissa mentioned something about eye brows and it got me to thinking that all my life I've never had them waxed in fear of the pain. I could not even think of doing it until after I had my son. That pain was far worse than waxing ever was. I have a real fear of pain... at least I used to... now that I've given birth it has opened my eyes to realize I never knew pain until I had a baby.

3. I crack my toes... all the time. I started about 8 years ago after I took my shoes off one night. IT felt good and now its just a pain. I do it so much now that it annoys people and I don't care.

4. Later.

5. Later

6. Later.

Coming to an End

2008-10-09T21:18:00.001-04:00

3 of my 4 classes are coming to an end in the next few weeks. I'm excited. Next week is Mid-Term for my Finance class on Thursday. Other than that things are pretty easy breezy this semester.

Never been so proud

2008-10-07T20:41:00.000-04:00

I've never been so proud of Noah.

Sleeping in his own bed.

**Swoon**

Sticking to it

2008-10-06T21:46:00.001-04:00

So far I've been drinking more water. I wished I had one of those things like Besco dispensers so I could have ICE COLD water all the time. It sucks only having a little in the fridge. I have nasty well water and no filters so I can't drink it. NOthing I can do about it now.

But I'm still not feeling that great. BETTER, but not great. I go for my 2 week check up tomorrow afternoon. We will see how that goes.

Noah's sick. And up. So I'm off here.

Vicodin = Headache

2008-10-04T21:03:00.002-04:00

So I got a headache from the Vicodin I took last night. I need to find out why? Ugh.

It took me from 5am till 3pm to get rid of it. I took showers, ibuprofin, and relaxed. I even drank TONS of water. It didn't help. I was aggravated.

Mom came over about 2:30pm and said "Lets get Out". So we went to the Griffen and had Deep Fried Califlower and a COKE.

By a little after three....NO HEADACHE.

Red Alert

2008-10-03T22:09:00.002-04:00

I'm not taking care of myself since I've had Noah. Not as well as I should. I do better for him but not myself. I need to start taking better care.

I also realized that my recent surgery has a side effect. I am unable to go to the bathroom....at all. I don't know what or why -- but the past 2 surgeries has been the same way. so NO MORE SURGERIES for me. I can't stand it.

I also have neglected myself and NOT rested even when doc wanted me to. I wasn't supposed to go back to work but I am already sinking financially (and possibly will lose my house) so I did what I HAD to do. I hope that in the end I don't lose my house.

So I need support and don't know where to get it from. I want to eliminate Mountain Dew. I want to drink more water. I want to avoid fast food. I want to cook IN more. I want to do better for me cause if I do bad then I might not be here for Noah and that SCARES ME!!!

Big Boy @ Bed Time

2008-09-30T20:38:00.002-04:00

So lets see.... It is day 3... yes, three. Noah is sleeping in his bed. On his own. I sleep in the room with him so that still makes it hard. But right now I am doing it and he is following what I say. Our Routine has changed.

Bath Time about 6:30pm - 7:00pm
Quiet Play about 7:00 - 7:15pm
Nurse 7:15 - 7:30pm
Lay down in bed 7:30pm

Now I have him in the pack and play cause the crib was a no go. The crib with one side off was a no go.... BUT a pack and play was a GO GO!!!!!

I lay on his crib mattress RIGHT NEXT to him. I have all lights off except one in living room. I turn the radio on very low. I lay him down. He obviously cries. But he lays his head down. He took about 45 minutes on Sunday Night to get to sleep. Monday was about 5-10 minutes and tonight was 5 minutes. He's not sleeping ALL night... but the first half.

I haven't figured out how to get him to do it after he's nursed about midnight (or 1am). He can nurse for a LONG time if I let him. Last night I fell asleep waiting on him to be done.

So its a BIG accomplishment for Noah more than me. I helped, but its his success.

So at 16 months... Noah will finally start sleeping on his own.

In other news.... We do the DNA testing tomorrow. Yippie! =(

In news not related to Noah at all..... I haven't talked to Mat since Friday at 7am. And I don't miss talking to him. I like him as a friend, but he made it clear he didn't want me as a friend. He wanted more. So I need to figure out what to do.....

Confession

2008-09-26T19:59:00.002-04:00

I still haven't talked to Mat much.
I think he's nice and I'm glad he's not pushy but at the same time, there's no spark or attraction.
I keep thinking to myself... I should not have to try so hard to want to call him at the BEGINNING.

Instead, I find myself wanting something else.
I find I want to call John (yes, Melissa, the John we both know) more than Mat.
It is weird.
I don't know what to do.

I hate being single but I can't be with someone just to NOT be single.

I wished I was closer to Kalamazoo or my friends were closer to Battle Creek. Some of my closest friends are in K-zoo. But I hardly get to see them. I miss Melissa and her family and I miss John. I really miss John. The thing is that I've hurt him so much in the past because I was not ready for a relationship and wasn't able to tell him I needed to slow down and I forced myself to do it....only to fail later.

Ugh. Confessions are good to get off your chest.
But I'm still confused.

Work

2008-09-26T19:55:00.002-04:00

I was planning on working 6-7 hours at work today. One-- I miss it. Two -- If I don't I miss the money. lol.

But the Regional Manager was there and he was hovering and I HATE that. I got a lot done but those guys are not able to manage without my old manager or myself. Eeeep. Guess that means I'm a needed individual. =)

3 Days Off

2008-09-25T21:14:00.002-04:00

So surgery actually went really well. I feared the pain and kept taking a vicodin every 6 hours. It was prescribed at 2 every 4 hours. I have little shocks of pain and if I sit too long or lay too long it hurts to move. But I'm not in as bad of shape as I thought I would be. SO I had surgery on Tuesday. Then had soo much crappola to do on Wednesday that I didn't go to work. Instead I did research at the library and got the Season 4 of "Gray's Anatomy". Then this morning I was planning on going to work. INSTEAD I WOKE WITH A MIGRAINE. How annoying. That is when it dawned on me that the vicodin was wearing off and I was in a little pain. Not TOO severe, but enough to be uncomfortable. Plus with the headache heading in a migraine direction, I just took Noah to day care. I went home and slept. Imagine that. I slept good and wished I had the opportunity to do that more often. That is till Noon when I woke up to do homework. Which ended up being a nightmare. I co uldn't even concentrate. Somehting broke or stopped working. I hit my laptop on the side and it shut off... in which I freaked out cause I hadn't saved my work.

But 3pm came too soon and Picked up noah from day care. We went to my mom's and ate dinner, then I went to class to take the quiz and came home. It was a busy, but pleasant day after about noonish.

Tomorrow tho ugh.... I return to work.

I love my job and miss it. I miss the money too.

Sore

2008-09-24T21:55:00.002-04:00

I've been a little more sore today.
Nothing terrible.

I dind't work on Tuesday or Wednesday.
I SHOULD go to work tomorrow.

But I don't want to cause I have so much homework to do.
But alas, I will. Because of the sound of MONEY in my head.

LOL

Stood Up

2008-09-23T21:12:00.002-04:00

So I talked to Mat. I just started to tell him that things were going to fast but I started it by telling him I h ad too much going on in my life and before I go and ruin things I wanted to slow down. Before I could even finish the sentence, he said "I will wait for you. You are worth the wait!" and I almost cried. NO ONE has ever done that. I just hope that things get better because I see friends be married and do all the things I do. It is different -- I know. But I am trying to adjust and I just need to learn to re-prioritize my feelings/actions/reactions.

Surgery was great. Since I know what to expect it makes things so much easier. I've had 2 other surgeries in the same region and today I had another one in the same area, but different procedure...... No where NEAR as painful and hopefully it helps me.

I might go back to work on Thursday IF I feel good enough. I'm not getting paid so it sucks not to work. Besides, I love it and miss it and NO MATTER if I do it today or tomorrow -- I am still the one who does it...lol.

I have a Girls Night Out on Saturday. I can't wait. We are going to Gary's Comedy Club and although I don't have money for drinks -- th e company and laughs will be enough to keep me happy.

I WANT TO GO SEE "NIGHTS IN RODANTHE" AT THE MOVIES. I NEED SOMEONE TO GO WITH. IT COMES OUT THIS FRIDAY!!!!!

Slacking

2008-09-19T23:00:00.002-04:00

I'm slacking every where lately..... work, school, and blogging. Well, Kind of. I'm just tired. But work is because I will not be working Tuesday thru Friday this COMING week. School is because I am tiried of reading these books. and blogging because I haven't wrote in a while and I enjoy writing.

Noah had his appointment and is 26 pounds and 2' 8.5" tall. He did things like a big boy this time. He stood against a wall and stood on the scale. He's growing up.... WAY TOO FAST.

I'm not sure I have any feelings for this guy. He's nice and all. But its either that or he's moving too fast and I don't know how to tell him without him just running off because of it.

Seriously

2008-09-15T13:44:00.000-04:00

I am seriously in trouble....financially.

No need in talking about it.

Rainy Weekend

2008-09-14T13:02:00.002-04:00

So this weekend has been raining from Friday afternoon till now and it still continues on. I've been doing some much needed relaxing and napping with Noah too. I am so tired and exhausted, not just by the normal's, but by other things as well. I said I was doing the ignoring before, but I got drawn back in by the 'semi-niceness' only to be drug down again. I won't allow myself to feel so much anger and hate for one person. I can't. My son can see and feel the mood I am in and that is not good.

So from now on, I refused to accept emails or any form of communication from Jeanna. I can't seem to find a common ground and its not to say that we couldn't, but she gets 'ideas' from her other friends that don't like me either and I just want her to talk to me and not involve any one else. But she can't so I let it all go and hope that one days YEARS from now things may be different.

Noah is saying more words now. He says "JeIka" (Jessica - day care provider), Mom Mom (grandma), Mom (mom, obviously), Bob, Du---k (duck, yes there is like a long pause between du and the k), and more too I just can't think of them right now.

I LOVE RAINY WEEKENDS.

Ugh. Busy-ness too much

2008-09-11T20:31:00.002-04:00

Well last weekend I spent TOO much time relaxing and enjoying my weekend and time with Mat and his boys. I ended up forgetting that I had 2... YES TWO... papers due. I have only finished one and was going to work on it tonight but I have been doing so much between work, school, house chores, being a mom, etc. that I said "I am taking this last hour or so of the day for ME."

That is why I haven't been around. I've been able to get on, read Melissa's blog, check email, and then school work.

I have an upcoming surgery on the 23rd. I am not nervous at all and hoping to go back to work in about 2-3 da ys. Doc says a week but I say sooner. lol. It's a bit embarrassing (no Melissa, not that surgery again) and similar to what I've had in the past (yes, its involving the same area though). I might talk about it in person or on the phone though if you want to know you can call me.

I've been getting emails from my cousin, Jeanna. She tries to be nice, then we both get stubborn. Or I try to email her and be nice and then we both get stubborn. It is a vicious cycle. But when I am asked questions like "Do you regret what you did?" I get upset because I was not the only one....

This whole new guy thing (dating) is pretty awesome. I am not being any one but me. Before I would try to be nicer and let 'him' get away with more. But this morning Mat calls me... he says to me "I have something I want to tell you. Something that bothered me." Not knowing what he was going to say I felt nervous. He told me.. what we were at my sisters (in the van, not in the house) I called you my "OLD LADY". Then you HIT me. Of course I was like. Uh. Yeah. He said why did I hit him? I told him I did not like that and I do 'hit' or 'slap' when a boyfriend embarasses me or says something I don't like. I then told him, "If you don't like it, either say good bye now or get used to it because I won't change who I am for ANYONE any more. He didn't say much. I expect he was not happy and I haven't called him all day. I figure I'd rather find out sooner than later if I like a guy....or could love him. Why waste my time if I don't like him or he doesn't like me???

So I guess I could be single again before I've really been dating someone too long.

Any input Melissa?

So many Dishonest People

2008-09-07T19:26:00.001-04:00

I'm so tired of the dishonest people and will be removing myself from their life. Yes, yet another person who I thought was changing -- didn't. They are being deceitful.

Smiling

2008-09-05T22:58:00.000-04:00

So I'm smiling. I can't stop.
Seriously. I can't STOP!

I am still so nervous though. Really nervous.
So nervous that I haven't even kissed him yet.

THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME.

I love kissing more than anything.... well almost everything.

But I'm so afraid to let the walls down. He seems too good for me or something.

But alas we have been dating....

Dumbfounded

2008-09-04T22:17:00.001-04:00

So my son's father told me he received an email. He copied me on it. He asked if this is wh at I meant by her not letting things go and trying to start trouble. I told him... to be his own judge but he is right. I am crying. Not because I believe what the words say, but because I still love her and hoped one day she'd quit being so stubborn and we could work things out. I don't know where she is getting her information from other than making it up in her head.

Copy of Email:

Timmy,
I want to say congratulations!!!
Second of all I want to say I am Millisa Thomason's cousin, Jeanna, I live down the road from her. Anyway I want to say I am sorry you had a baby with such a fucking psycho!! Yes, she is my cousin and all but she is NOT in my life in any way shape or form. I truly believe getting pregnant by you was to try and trap you in a relationship with her. I also believe you are Noah's dad, he looks just LIKE you!! I hope she does not try and fuck up your life like she has her own.
She has hurt alot of people who cared about her and helped her! GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR FUTURE!

** Runs off Crying **

Countdown

2008-09-04T21:15:00.001-04:00

Ha. I looked at the calendar and counted down the weeks till classes were done. Its just been a rough week with not getting paid for Monday and having to make up the hours so I keep my 20 hours minimum. Then I thought Id be able to get the full 3 hours tomorrow.... NOPE. I have to go to WIC to get coupons that don't exist anymore. lol. I hope they are fast.

So as of today I've been to all of my classes. I'm not too worried about 3 of them. Not to say I'm not worried about those 3 though. But the one I went to tonight is going to be the 'hard' one. It is Finance Management. Ugh. The teacher is said to be great and he's been great so far (he is the same teacher that teaches my Tuesday class). So we will see.

I am still waiting on 2 books. 2 books are not here. I thought it was 1 but it was 2. Ugh. Grrr.

I do have to say that when the 3 eight week classes are done... I will be able to get some much needed organization done between October 21 and December 21. I only have 1 class between those times and I am keeping Noah in Day Care at least 3 of those day to keep him on a schedule.

TOnight I came in from class....

To find Noah screaming for me.
He wanted to Nurse and sleep.
It breaks my heart.
To think of Weening him off within the next 9 months.

Heavy Eyes

2008-09-03T23:16:00.000-04:00

My eyes are getting heavy. They are wanting to close. I'm trying to write this to get it on the screen and saved. I'm just tired and I never intended to stay up this late but heaven forbid my books came today and I needed to get semi-caught up tonight. I will NEVER recommend buying books for school (textbooks of course) from amazon.com marketplace (the used books). THey took 2 weeks when they all said 2-5 days. Ugh. I even allowed for time cause of the holiday. Nope, it took them 14 days.... 15 if you count Labor day. That is not even CLOSE to the time they agreed when I submitted my order. I haven't even got all the books yet.

The only thing I can say is they are CHEAP. I got one book for 50 cents. Instead of almost 40 dollars. I'm glad I did not pay more for it. Ugh. Like I need more BOOKS or stuff in my tiny house.

So now that that is off my chest.... I can sleep.

I haven't even talked to Mat much today. Maybe a half hour - forty-five minutes.

Ah, time is of the essence...

So how was your days?

No Life

2008-09-02T21:12:00.001-04:00

I have no life. Well, I have no free time to enjoy life right now or for at least the next eight weeks.

Drop off Noah 7 - 7:30am
Work from 7:30 - 12pm
Study from 12:30 - 3:00pm
Pick up Noah 3 - 3:30pm
Time with Noah / Eat 3:30pm - 5:30
T/Th Class - 6pm - 9pm

Ice Cream & Park

2008-09-01T20:18:00.000-04:00

So the day began kind of slow. I got a little laundry done. Then Mat and his boys (Jeremy & Sebastian) stopped over to invite us to go and get ice cream and play at the park. I was so happy to finally meet his boys. Noah and the boys got along really well. It was so much fun. We got the ice cream and went to the park. Unfortunately I forgot the camera. I had it on the cabinet and FORGOT IT. Grrr....

Anyways, afterwords we came back to my house since it was SO hot and my house was close by and the air was on. We hung out inside until Noah got cranky and needed a nap. Mat took his boys outside so that I could nurse and get Noah laid down for a nap. That was sweet of him to be considerate enough. Then after getting Noah asleep I went outside to talk and he had cleaned up my brush I trimmed from the bushes. He wound up my hose (I always get irritated with it and leave it on the ground). He cleaned up the clothes line that was all over the ground (because of the tree that fell on it and broke it). I told him he didn't have to. He said it was nothing and it kept him busy. That was really sweet of him.

Noah slept only for about a half hour but it was enough to get him out of his cranky mood. We all played outside with bubbles and chalk left over from Noah's party in MAY. Then when it was about 5:30pm he decided to get going. Noah raised his hands to be picked up and ran to Mat. Not me. Even though my hands were open for him to come to me. He likes him and I'm glad.

I see 'Long Term' with him but I am kind of nervous. I've not even kisses him yet. He's kissed me on the forehead and cheek and I can tell he wants to kiss me... But I'm scared and just hoping he doesn't see it as I don't want to.

Well, after he left I began cooking a little something for dinner (hamburger, cheesy rice, and corn mixed together). I need to get food, but don't have money so I've been fixing what I have in the fridge. By the time the food was done my HEAD was POUNDING so hard I felt like I was going to explode.

Noah and I took another shower today (we took one this morning) and it helped some. Then I nursed and rocked Noah and looked towards the right and the headache got better (not gone, but better).

That is up to now. Noah just fell asleep and I wrote this entry.

I'm tired. I'm happy. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm scared.
Of course all the feelings are for different aspects of my life.... but still.....

Monday - Labor Day

2008-08-31T22:27:00.001-04:00

So tomorrow is Labor Day. I'm really happy for the extra day off. I do have to get my butt in gear on Tuesday. I logged into my online classes and everyone is already doing this weeks work. I need my BOOKS but they aren't even here yet so I can't do most of the work. WHICH SUCKS. I'm so disappointed in the online sites (amazon / barnes and nobles) because they are SLOW and I've been waiting so long.

Tomorrow is going to be spent doing things with some friends and enjoying the outdoors. I can't wait.

Oh yeah, I bought a memory card reader yesterday so I need to upload pictures.

Soreness

2008-08-31T22:13:00.000-04:00

So I did not think I would be as sore as I am. The trip to the zoo on Saturday with Melissa and her family has taken a tole on my poor legs and ankles. I also have some pain associated with the 1/2 mile STEEP hill we climbed.

However, I thought about it and it just goes to sh ow how OUT OF SHAPE I am. Now if I only had a support person to go with to exercise more.

Today I did a whole lotta nothing. Sleep and Laundry.

Mat came by today on his motorcycle. He really is a great guy and I haven't even attempted to make any moves on him at all. I let him kiss me on the cheek and hug me. NOthing more. It isn't that I don't want to, but I don't want to rush anything.

I remember when Noah was born and I said that I wouldn't let anyone meet Noah until I knew that it was serious. Well, Noah was there each time I've seen him. The first time I didn't know he would even come there.

It is nice to feel woo'ed. He is sweet and taking Noah and I out for Ice Cream tomorrow.

=) Thank Goodness for Good Guys.

He Kissed me...

2008-08-29T23:32:00.000-04:00

on the cheek.

I've never had a guy do that before. He said he was really n ervous and he really liked me and didn't want to screw things up. I'm so geeked....why? Because usually it is me saying that. This time I am not opening up as much as fast. We went to Fazolis cause it was last minute and easy to take Noah to. Then we came back to my house and hung out. He is really a gentleman. He asked for a hug and I appreciate that. Most men just DO.

He did kiss me on the cheek and said he'd talk to me later.

Tomorrow he is going to the races in Galesburg. He actually races.

=)

Labor Day Weekend

2008-08-29T16:06:00.000-04:00

I'm so happy that Friday is here. I'm anxiously awaiting a phone call...

In the meantime I have to avoid all the damn bill collectors who call 3 times a day each.

I hope my hours go up soon. I desperately need money. I don't have money to pay the mortgage till next friday. But my Mortgage is due on the 1st. Ugh.

I almost had to cancel the trip to the zoo. But my mom's friend, Bob, gave me $20 so I could take Noah. Mom said she'd pay for any materials needed to put the gate up since it was at her house and she desperately wanted to get it up for safety reasons.

Note to Melissa: Lets meet at the zoo. Then go to my mom's after wards. Do you know how to get there? If not, I-94 East to Exit 100 (like you are going to my house). Turn Right though. Follow this by the lake, around the curve, past a few lights and Harper Creek High School (they have a BLUE roof) and out in the middle of no where is the zoo. When are we meeting there?

So today was SO busy at work. One of the trucks had a drive shaft fail and it left the driver sitting in his truck with his foot on the brake for 4 hours. lol. Seems funny when a co-worker told me.... but Aaron said that his foot was NUMB after so long.

Anyways.... School is good. I'm irritated. At the book store. I ordered books 7 days ago for classes that started last week because they said it would be delivered in 2-3 days. Then I ordered a book for classes that start after Labor day. I got that book already and STILL have yet to get the other books. GRrrrrr.

Friday's Here

2008-08-28T22:39:00.000-04:00

Well... Almost

I'm so very super excited. Not only do I get to expect a call tomorrow. Not only do I get a 3 day weekend. Not only do I get to go to the zoo this weekend with one of my great friends. Not only do I get to spend time with my son. But I love life. I feel so alive and my senses have been amazing.

My friend, Melissa, said something in her blog about having passion for what you do in life. I feel the same way. When I worked at a factory, I felt HORRIBLE and useless. Now that I work in an office and help and accomplish and go above and beyond what I am SUPPOSED to do (according to my duties). I FEEL ALIVE. I'm just happy to be doing what I love. It makes it all worth it. All the time away from Noah, all the early mornings, etc.

Well, I need to finish watching this episode of HOUSE and get to bed. I still get up early for work tomorrow.

Oh yeah.... Tonight was Ric's last night at work....ON 3rd Shift -- that is!

He starts on 1st on 9.2.08

I'm so happy for him.

Why Hello There?

2008-08-27T20:26:00.001-04:00

I'm so freaking amazed at things.

Seriously I thought I 'might' hear from this guy.
I did. But missed his call.
Then planned on calling today.

But instead he stopped by with his boys and surprised me.
His phone was shut off and he wanted me to know that so I didn't call with no answer.

Unlike me who didn't bother to call back yesterday (it was late and I did not know if he'd have his boys).

So he gets it turned back on Friday and will call me then.

So why am I so giddy about it? I know why.... because I have never EVER had a guy persue me in years! It was me who did the pursuing....lol.

Just for Melissa

2008-08-26T22:02:00.000-04:00

I don't know much more than I've posted.

The night he came to my mom's he stayed for about 90 minutes and we sat outside and kind of talked. I only know he has 2 boys and his divorce from the boys' mom is about to be final. He is really cute and nice to talk to and he has a job...in welding. IN MARSHALL (where I work at too) of all places. His name is Matt and he will be 30 in October or November.

He apologized for never calling me back when we went on one date (10 years ago). He said his ex found out he went on a date and begged him to take her back. He did. Not the mother of his kids though. He also said he'd been thinking of me for a while and just thought about stopping to see if I was at the same place. My mom said she would have given him directions to my house if I wasn't there.

He seems very sweet, but I haven't heard from him the last couple days... so either he doesn't want to feel like he is pushing or he is not interested. either way, I am not really happy or sad about it. I know he works till after 5pm.... and he knows I'm busy. I didn't even get his number because I don't want to make all the effort and I knew if I had the number, I'd call.

Anyways, when I know something or hear something or anything.....[[MELISSA]] I will let you know. =)

He knows an old friend of mine and that is how I remember how we met 10 years ago. He worked with the childhood neighbor of mine at Walmart. She introduced us. He (matt) ran into me again when my mom's friend, Lee, gave my mom his couch and it was him (Matt) and his father who brought it over.

** Edited to add. LOL. I feel SO STUPID. I finished writing this. WEnt to bed. Laid down. Thought to myself. I forgot to plug in my phone. Found it. Matt Called.

Knocking on my Door

2008-08-26T20:44:00.000-04:00

I thought about him last night. He didn't call. I guess I have to be a little flattered. A guy showed up on my doorstep (well, my moms since that was the last place he knew I lived) and told me he was thinking of me.... for a long time. And decided to stop.

I am so giddy. Even if it goes no where.

South Haven

2008-08-24T21:19:00.000-04:00

I had a grand time at the beach today. Well, I had a great day all together. I can't upload pics cause my card reader died on me this morning. I had 2 but gave the second one away last weekend. I had the second one for over a year and never used it but don't ya know it would have come in handy today. Ah, oh well. I will find a new one soon.

But I had fun. So much fun that I'm exhausted beyond belief and want to sleep but I'm waiting on the washer to be done washing so I can throw tomorrow's clothes in the dryer since I wasn't home to do all the laundry I forgot until I got home at 7pm.

I went to the beach with Melissa, Jason, Ethan, and Cameron.....and of course, Noah. Well, we were there from 11am till about 3:30pm. I had a blast but now I am burnt on my shoulders and parts of my back. Noah got a bit too on his face and shoulders and back. I hope he doesn't hurt too bad tonight. Right now he's sleeping.

I am not however. I have a headache that WON'T go away. Probably cause I didn't eat much all day. I was on my way home and my mom called about 2 minutes from arriving home and said to stop there and she had dinner done. That was a great surprise.

Right after dinner we got a knock on the door.

Knock, Knock.

I didn't live there so I told mom to answer it. She peeked aroudn the corner and saw it was a guy and told ME to answer it.

I opened the door.
Said Hello.

He said, "Do you remember me?"
I said, "Not Really".
I thought to myself, "he looks familiar, but I don't want to look stupid so I just said, no".
He said, "We went on a date before."
I said, "Ok. When was this?"
He said, "About 10 years ago."
I giggled.
I replied with how am I supposed to remember that long ago.
He said he remembered me.

I went on one date with him 10 years ago or so.
That was the whole relationship.
He picked me up, we went to Coldwater at one of their lakes or something.
WEnt on the boat.
He dropped me off.
And I never heard from him again.

Well, he told me the story and I gave him my number.

More to come later when I know more.

Love vs. Despise

2008-08-03T12:13:00.000-04:00

I love blogging and writing and reading.
But at the same time I don't.

I want opinions.
Then I don't.

I want viewers.
Then no.

I have even debated giving up the internet all together.

That is not like me at all. But people have been doing things to me and most are related to the internet and being deceitful and I'm tired of it. =(

Remember

2008-07-27T17:05:00.000-04:00

I'm so happy that Noah won't remember certain things being that he is so young. But it saddens me that he won't have some of our family and friends in his life at a later point in our life. Things happen for a reason and I truly believe that but it sucks. But even now I don't want them back because they have broken MY trust for them in what they did before all the crap that went down that Sunday. I'm done with them and wished they would stop talking/gossiping/accusing me of things.

Noah and Caiden got to spend the entire week almost -- together. They are too cute and I got their pictures done with Dave. We had a hard time because trying to get a 14 and 18 month old boys to smile and sit together is almost impossible.

I've been Tagged

2008-07-19T15:35:00.000-04:00

Hmmm. This is about a husband. Well, I'm not dating, nor am I married. SO I'm not sure how to do this other than to say what I'd like to see in a guy....lol. Or hate in one. We will see.

1. What is his name? Any name will do as long as it isn't Robert or a form of it. I've been hurt by way too many of them and I can't stand the name much.

2. Who eats more? Hopefully him although I tend to snack a lot

3. Who said, "I love you" first? I'm sure it will be him as far as that goes. I say that because I've been hurt and so I'm more hesitant to say it.

4. Who is taller? He will be. He has to be taller than 5'8"

5. Who is smarter? Well, I'd like us to be equal in smarts but honestly I hope I am. lol.

6. Who is more sensitive? Me. I don't necessarily need a guy who cries all the time. I need someone strong.

7. Who does the laundry? ME. I love laundry. I just had taking care of it.

8. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? Ha. It will be a while before anyone does that. Except Noah that is and he is on the right side....cause its closest to the wall.

9. Who pays the bills? I love the figures and numbers so It would be me unless he is better and not spending as much as me.

10. Who cooks more? Equal hopefully.

11. Who is more stubborn? Me. Definitely me.

12. Who is the first to admit they are wrong? See the answer above? Stubborn people don't admit wrong! Even if they are wrong!

13. Who has more siblings? Not really something I care about...lol

14. Who wears the pants in the relationship? Well, I'd like us to be equal.

15. What do you like to do together? I need someone who likes to watch movies, go to parks, someone who loves kids, doesn't mind getting no sleep.

16. Who eats more sweets? I can eat a whole package of twizzlers in a day. Especially if I walk with Noah lol. IT doesnt matter if he does or not.

17. Guilty Pleasures? Mine used to be genealogy, but I don't have time for that. I hope to find a handy man. lol.

18. How did you meet? Some way that is memorable.

19. Who asked whom out first? Not really important

20. Who kissed who first? I'm hoping he does.

21. Who proposed? Hopefully him.

22. His best features and qualities? I need sensibility, humor, and somoene who can calm me down when I'm angry and not get mad at me.

23. Tag you’re it. Who do you tag? Melissa already did it.

Noah's First Birthday

2008-05-21T22:34:00.000-04:00

I am so anxious for Noah's Birthday to be here. I am so stressed because I have never had to give a birthday party and I hate being the one doing anything. Good thing I have my good friends Jeanna, Mandi, and Jessi to be there. I'm sure they will keep me in line.

I am so excited and can't express how FAST his first year of life went.

What haven't they thought of?

2008-05-17T23:32:00.001-04:00

I absolutely love Google. They have search engine, email, photo, documents, books, shopping, blogs, videos, social networks.

I love them.